Dark Days

I'm in one of these moments where I'm feeling sorry for myself, thinking, "Why did this happen to me, I'm not stupid." I passed both exams and was even 2nd highest among the 4 of us. I may have not been able to focus on academics as often as I should have but ask the others- I doubt they would have had the answer to the questions you asked me. I doubt they were studying as much because everyone was dead tired. And every waking moment that was not spent working was spent eating or making feeble attempts to gather whatever was left of our sanity.

It's one of those moments where I'm feeling utterly lost. So much free time that my old self would kill to have, and yet these minutes filled with anxiety, confusion, anger. Anxious to be idle, confused about what road to choose, angry about everything else that led me to this. Do I continue this path I have been struggling to be in the past years? Or do I make a new path?

One of those moments when I'm feeling angry at the people who did this to me, not once, but TWICE. The people who didn't think twice that I had a family to go home to, or the fact that I stripped off all my pride just to do it again, only for them to take it away from me the second time. I read ALL of what they wrote. Seemingly harmless words probably meant to be constructive but instead ended up being destructive. Why couldn't you have just talked to me if you were so concerned? Especially the people who I thought were my friends. I was too naive to even trust anyone in that God-forsaken place.

Why me?

I really wish I could see the silver lining in this. I wish I could.