Dark Days

I'm in one of these moments where I'm feeling sorry for myself, thinking, "Why did this happen to me, I'm not stupid." I passed both exams and was even 2nd highest among the 4 of us. I may have not been able to focus on academics as often as I should have but ask the others- I doubt they would have had the answer to the questions you asked me. I doubt they were studying as much because everyone was dead tired. And every waking moment that was not spent working was spent eating or making feeble attempts to gather whatever was left of our sanity.

It's one of those moments where I'm feeling utterly lost. So much free time that my old self would kill to have, and yet these minutes filled with anxiety, confusion, anger. Anxious to be idle, confused about what road to choose, angry about everything else that led me to this. Do I continue this path I have been struggling to be in the past years? Or do I make a new path?

One of those moments when I'm feeling angry at the people who did this to me, not once, but TWICE. The people who didn't think twice that I had a family to go home to, or the fact that I stripped off all my pride just to do it again, only for them to take it away from me the second time. I read ALL of what they wrote. Seemingly harmless words probably meant to be constructive but instead ended up being destructive. Why couldn't you have just talked to me if you were so concerned? Especially the people who I thought were my friends. I was too naive to even trust anyone in that God-forsaken place.

Why me?

I really wish I could see the silver lining in this. I wish I could.

Orpheus and Eurydice

I need to walk away as Orpheus did, like my entire existence depended on it.
To walk away and to never look back, away from Eurydice, the very thing that my being clings to.
But Eurydice is not you. It is myself. I need to endure the long treacherous road from the Underworld, as the flames lap against my feet, and leave my self, even if it hurts, in the hope of finding this very self one day, but it is never a guarantee. There was never an option for me in this deal. I never had the upper hand and I was doomed before I even began. But the longer I wait, the greater I lose. Until there is nothing left of me.
This is why I need to walk away. To walk away from that piece of your self that was left there shattered, with no guarantee that you will get it back. Just a glimmer of hope is what the cruel world allows for us to continue, and that is all.