Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Is it possible to want to do good because there is hatred in your heart? To be nice as revenge? To be so nice so that no one can say anything bad about you and so that the people who have wronged you will simply look bad with their own wrong doing?
I suppose this is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. Does this mean living a lie?

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Words

There is sometimes a fear of typing words onto the screen, of hitting the "post" or "publish" button, of creating intentional strokes with a pen and seeing those words permanently materialize, whether it is on paper or in a nook on cyberspace. Once the words materialize, they begin to hold weight and become real. One cannot deny that words are powerful. They can evoke deep feelings, and most of all they can induce change, and alter the course of life as we know it.

Words are non-living, intangible. But somehow sometimes so realistic, so gripping they become palpable. And contrary to the old "sticks and stones" adage, words can hurt people. That is why, words, once unleashed, are very hard to take back.

Words separate us from the animal kingdom that sadly, many humans believe they are above it all, when simply, each living being is given different traits for different roles in this world.

Sometimes, when life strips you of everything and you hit rockbottom, and you think you have absolutely nothing left, that is not true, because you have words. And that is a big responsibility. Both a blessing and a curse. A gift and a burden.

In this sense, I believe Jessica Zafra when she once said, "It's not words that fail, it's the people who wield them. We have no power over life and death, we are subject to pain and disease and misery, but we command words. When you think about it, words are all we really have."

Family Issues

These days, I find that I connect with my dad more and more. I guess ever since I've always felt we were alike. We're both quiet, we like reading books, we appreciate art, and we hate nagging. He doesn't have to tell me but I can tell that he does. Sometimes when there are issues that need to be resolved, according to my mom he avoids them. I guess in a way he is like me, non-confrontational, sometimes refusing to face things head on. My mom also says he's always so negative, but I disagree, because there's nothing wrong with looking at things from different angles and preparing yourself for the worst.

Lately, I can't help but notice that my younger brother is being more like my mom in some ways. Always high-strung, being that frustrated driver that always has a lot of comments and criticisms about everyone on the road...and lately, all this nagging- the "hurry up" when he also woke up late or the "hurry up" when she still has rollers on her hair.

I've mentioned this a few times to my mom lately, about how I feel like my brother is a mini version of her (after they both exclaimed at the same time at some driver in front of them), and how I feel like dad and I are similar because we're always so chill. I sort of regret ever mentioning that because sometimes I feel like mom's dislike of dad overflows onto me these days. There are many times when I feel like, man, we are really not on the same page right now, we are really not connecting. My nature is just placid and calm. I know I rant a lot too but I can't stand the nagging, being too uptight about everything, and most of all, all the negative comments about dad's family as the reason for all of dad's bad behavior. It just stresses me out. Sometimes I'm so tempted to ask her, "if you have so many negative things to say about dad, then why did you marry him?" But I believe I'm still a person with an above average EQ so I stop myself. On days when I get really stressed, the most below-the-belt thing I've said was "...And that is why I'm never going to get married."

As a caveat, I know mom has a point most of the time and I am lucky to have both of them. But this is just what I've been feeling these days.

P.S. Creative title, I know.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Catch Up Time

"Everybody is running their own races, at their own speed. They have their own demons, their own hells. Everybody has their own drawbacks, their own strengths. Comparing yourself to ANYBODY is stupid. It’s like comparing pizza and computer and cruises."
"This entire keeping up with people thing isn’t your cup of hot chocolate and it’s okay, let them move ahead. Go away from all this for a while, it’s okay; you’re still brave and strong. You just need a little catch-up time and that’s perfectly acceptable."
Reading this couldn't have happened at a better time. With everything that occurred in the past months all I have yet to do is to forgive myself and stop comparing myself with others. Only then can I start to pick myself up and heal. Only then can I become truly happy.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Psychological Dreams

Just when you thought you're feeling great, your subconscious comes in and screws you over.

Had one of those psychological dreams again. I call them "psychological dreams" because they're not the killer/ghost/phobia type but they're enough to wake you when the horror sets in.

And now I realized that these dreams are much worse. You can wake up from the worst of the regular dreams shaking and crying but after a while when you realize how absurd it was, how unreal, you quickly forget the events of the dream itself, and you can go back to sleep. But psychological dreams are the worst. When you wake up, the feelings linger, they never go away, and you don't forget. Feelings that were there in the first place but you've repressed as a self-preserving mechanism.

What could be worse than dreams waking you up so that you could really see reality? The Sandman is pulling out the big guns. And truthfully, I don't know whether I should want to kill him or thank him.

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I know my entries are full of fragments, and that I specialize in run-on sentences. Strunk and White might disapprove. But... poetic license. For my sanity.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Final Goodbye

24 hours a day seems too short a time to get everything done. With only 1 body, 1 brain, 2 hands, you can never be in more than 1 place at the same time. It's similar with relationships. Think of your friends as tabs in a web browser-- no matter how many friends you've got, you can only keep a couple of friends 'active' in your life at a certain time.

I'm glad I have my friends and my family who have been 'constants' throughout the various stages of my life. They're there because of mutual consent, because we have both made an active decision to be a part of each other's life. It's not a simple decision as a yes or a no, because the decision comes with effort, to be present no matter what the circumstances are.

That being said, I look back on the relationships I have had with other people, now deemed as "inactive"...or simply tabs that have been sent to the Recycle Bin. The sentimental, emotional me cannot help but feel sad, to think that what was once real seems like it never occurred in the first place, and that people so close to each other are now strangers, almost as if all history between them has been erased. And once this history has been erased, where do we go from there? How do we begin again? The answer most of the time is, we don't. We move on with our lives and let whatever is in the recycle bin, stay there.

In a few hours, we will be so close to each other, for one last time. After this, we will be nothing but strangers again. Our lives will continue on separately. It has stretched on long enough. Longer than it should have been. I have to do this because if I don't, I will destroy myself and self-combust. This will be my final goodbye. Soon our history will be erased, with nothing left but a fragment of a memory, that we will eventually doubt its authenticity. When that history has been erased, we won't know where to begin, so much so that even if every single day we have an opportunity to speak to each other in this world of technology, we won't-- because we won't know where to begin, because we have forgotten.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Silence

Silence is mystery.

Silence is oftentimes generosity, but sometimes selfishness.
Silence is cowardice but also bravery.
Silence is both forgiving and cruel.
Silence is either unnoticeable or deafening.
Silence is the aftermath of words that were said
        or the anticipation of words yet to be formed.

Silence is a universe, stretching out from all sides, into infinity, all encompassing
        sometimes a blackhole, imploding.

Above all,
       silence is peace.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Happy birthday to my best friend

I will never know why God never gave me a sister, but whatever it is we find lacking in our lives, if we look more intently, we find that God gives us something else. We find that a lost opportunity, opens up new ones. In this case never having a sister was never really a loss for me, because many many years ago, I met Yumi, and we have been the best of friends-- more like sisters ever since. 

There's not a single word to describe my friendship with you. Even as children, we've always loved the fact that we can always talk about anything and everything-- quoting our teenage selves, "From movies to politics"--and now, amazingly, about medicine too. No matter how busy we got, no matter how much distance and new experiences are placed between us, whenever we do see each other, it's like we always just continue from where we left off. And now it feels like we've continued just that and our friendship has grown even much more than I could have possibly imagined- celebrating milestones together (from everyday victories to the fairly recent ones, even surgical or obstetric), mourning over each others' losses, gathering strength from each other, finding humor in darkest of times, making new memories (the latest being perfume testing until our olfactory nerves become desensitized and discovering the best scent EVER) and embarking on new adventures, and the list goes on. 

So here's to our friendship-our sisterhood of 22 years and counting, and here's to you on your special day, may you never stop to inspire the people around you with your passion for life, and your fierceness in loving. Happy birthday Yumi!!!!


Thursday, February 25, 2016

I am writing right now to redirect my anger. Because if I act on my emotions now I might just regret it. This person is being such an asshole. I'm not just saying this because she hurt my bestfriend. She is on her own, an asshole. What kind of person after 9 fucking years denies everything that they had and then makes false promises that everything will be okay, then eats out in a Japanese restaurant, AND brings the other guy to the same restaurant after 2 days. And she tells herself that it was over long ago so she can sleep at night? I could accept if she just fell out of love, shit like that happens, but goddammit, don't fucking deny what you had, don't turn the situation around by telling your friends na umasa lang siya magisa, na hindi ka nagpaasa til the end, just so you can fucking live with your self after what you just did. You disgust me. Seriously. And to think second time mo na to ginawa. Who the hell do you think you are, that you can "discard" people just like that? You are NO ONE.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Losing Object Permanence

You might wonder why I do it-- why I always try to shut you out. I do it because I'm tired and it brings me peace and quiet. It brings me peace to hear nothing of you. And on my best days, when life goes on as it should, I forget about you, almost as if you never existed, as if I never knew you.

When I used to be angry, my reason for shutting you out was because I didn't want you to have that chance to play any part in my life anymore. You do not get to be in my life anymore. You do not get to participate, you're simply not in it anymore. But I'm tired of being angry. It uses up too much energy. And being angry means still caring, which is the last thing on my agenda.

I'm getting there. I'm on my way towards not caring at all which is great. You know you've finally moved on when you see that person, and nothing happens. There is a blank space where your feelings used to be. Sure, you may acknowledge his/her presence, and then that's it. Someone who used to occupy your mind all the time, is nothing now but a fleeting moment. And you couldn't care less what happens to that moment.

Out of sight, out of mind. Losing object permanence like a child, not because you've become immature but because you've become mature enough to accept that some things in life, are meant to be temporary.

Random thoughts


Sunday, February 21, 2016

THIS IS IT.

Today I begin to live.

No day but today. No turning back.

Art Day

Today was a super great day. :)

I am convinced that whatever shitload I said yesterday was all mainly caused by hormones and neurotransmitters.

I've been waiting for months for the ArtFair and finally I got to go with people that matter to me the most. [Manilart is a yearly thing that Sarah and I go to every time, and last year we missed ArtFair.] It's bigger than Manilart, 2 floors (I was only disappointed because I thought it was 3) and we saw a lot of cool stuff. Of course we got to laugh at fucking hipsters and pretentious people holding wine glasses while staring intently at unrecognizable blobs a.k.a. "deep shit"/ art, so that made it all the more fun. There was so much color!! I'm glad I get to share things that I like with awesome people.

Today was also great because I had a chance to be myself, to remember that side of me that I would sometimes forget because I was too busy with work or too busy with people that don't care enough to see the other "sides" of me.

At the end of the day we had an enlightening/hilarious conversation about everything over good food. Thank you friends for letting me eat where I want!!

So I'd say, it was definitely a good day for me. :) Things are looking up.


Figure 1: Girl staring intently at digitally projected waves for what seemed like an eternity. 
(Ate, punta ka nalang sa beach, promise mas maganda dyan)

Friday, February 19, 2016

Sleep

These days, all I want to do is sleep. And when I'm awake, read. To escape. Fill my mind with all sorts of things, anything to escape this emptiness.

I know I have friends I can talk to. But I don't really want to talk about it. It's not like anything I say will change anything. It's not like words can fill up this emptiness that I feel. And anything that other people will say, just might be things that I already know, things that I choose to ignore because I'm afraid to face it. When I finally do open up, as I rarely do, I end up opening up to the wrong people, exposing myself and then being left hanging, making me feel emptier than before.

I suppose I don't have any right to feel this way. I've got people who care about me, a home, and food on my table, but I feel it anyway. And it isn't really helping that my life has no direction right now. It scares the fuck out of me that I have absolutely 0 foresight of where I'm gonna end up 10 months from now. It scares the shit out of me. So much so that I can't sleep at night. That I get angry when my parents call me out for not doing anything or for sleeping too much. I don't know if they know I'm just trying to escape. I tell them I'm on it, that I actually do have a plan to set my life straight, but in my mind, I tell myself, you better hope you know what you're talking about.

This is just emptiness and fear coming from all sides, I don't know what to make of it anymore. I'm not like those people out there who are always sunny and cheery and shit. Whatever negativity comes out of this post it's only because I'm just trying to be real.

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P.S. I started reading Sandman and Saga and can I just say, Lying cat is so cute. Now if only I had a cat I would bring everywhere that would call out everyone's shit whenever someone is lying, that would be something. Especially when I talk to you, but your lying skills are so bad, I don't really need a Lying cat to tell me you're lying.

Apple Slices


Thursday, February 18, 2016

Animal Instinct

(Deadly Class, Issue #4)

We've got to know when it's time to stop. But sometimes, even if we know, we still don't. Even if we know the truth as plain as day, even if the facts are all laid out and tabulated, for as long as you have even just as little as 0.4% of that thing called hope (sometimes false hope), that iota of hope is sufficient enough to get all fired up again, enabling us to wear rose-tinted glasses and avoid the logical and realistic.

I'm not saying I'm hoping- hell, I am so done with that. (Whatever Manny Pacquiao and everyone else says), humans are in a way, part of the animal kingdom, creatures of habit and necessity. So blame my primitive roots for always giving in to my id. However, one special thing that sets humans apart is our very hamartia, and that is our predilection for self-destruction.

People are obsessed with self-destruction, truth be told. You see it everywhere, in post-apocalyptic movies, in dystopian novels. People know what's dangerous for them and yet they choose to veer towards the edge of the cliff when come to think of it, these risky behaviors in no place uphold the theory of natural selection. And for what? For the thrill? To feel more alive? I really don't know.

I see myself as a firefly, that knows it's stupid to go near the flame, but goes near it anyway. Every time I'm given the chance, I choose self-destruction each time. Every. Damn. Time.

But it has to stop. I need to pour vinegar all over my brain and let it sit for a while. I wish it would be as easy as tinkering with my hippocampus or whatever part of my brain and induce retrograde amnesia but it's not. The cold, cruel world prefers the slow agonizing torture of boredom, silence, loneliness and non-existent texts.

So until I find the solution to this odd predilection, let's all grab some popcorn and laugh at this. Maybe after this I'll be strong enough to move the hell on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Post-entry note 2/21/16: My bestfriend was right- I romanticize "self-destruction" way too much. Hahaha.


Living Inside My Head


I've been living inside my head way too much than I should be.

For every sentence that comes out of my mouth, there's an unsaid paragraph going on in my mind as well. For every spoken statement, a series of snide commentaries and observations about everything come with it. In an argument, it comes to a point when all I can say is "OK" but the heated debate goes on but somehow never quite making it out there. 

On the outside, it seems as though I am quietly sitting at the backseat of the car but inside my mind it is just about as noisy as a marching band in a fiesta, as wild as a kid thrashing about in the forest, spilling buckets of paint everywhere, as maddening as the air bombarding the eardrums of a person free-falling headfirst from an airplane. 

These ideas can be anything but sometimes have recurring themes such as:
  1. Overanalyzing - Was it something I said? Did I say it right? Was she offended? I somehow feel like I'm supposed to be embarrassed about something but still figuring out what it is exactly...(typical #4 enneagram)
  2. The uncontrollable flashback - Happens especially at around 3am when I can't sleep, replaying over and over again events of my recent "lay-off" along with a wave of existentialist questions and a feeling of fear of the uncertainty of life.
  3. The uncontrollable flashforward - Somehow usually happens when I'm in the shower, this is an obsessive replay of how things should have been, or variations of how I can redeem myself in the future. 
Yup, so I guess I really do have my head in the clouds more than I should be spending life down here on earth. I try to remind myself to just live in the moment. I mean, what kind of person spoils the happy moment for herself way before it begins because she knows it's about to end soon?

After all has been said (or rather thought about), there is really no choice but to get out there. To drop that book, wake up from that nap, and just get out there! ...And to publish this entry and interact with regular folks I suppose!

A Happy 2nd Birthday


Today marks the 2nd month from the time I became officially unemployed. Hooray for me. While there is obviously nowhere to go but up, I think the time for wallowing in my own sorrow is up and I am now at the crossroads between A) continuing to wallow in self-pity or B) picking myself up and moving on. Let this tiny nook of cyberspace be a testament to my journey from A to B and beyond and may the plasma screen be patient enough whenever I revert back to A. I am simply taking advantage of the fact that sadness can be a source of writing inspiration. 

Even if the flipping of calendars from 2015 to 2016 is nothing but a change of date, a signal that the sun has set and risen again, as what happens every day, people have come to associate the new year with new beginnings. So here's to a new year of new beginnings. Not a clean slate, for definitely no matter how painful the past can be, the scars are there to make life fuller; and more importantly, holds lessons of the past (listed under the things never to do again unless you want to end up unemployed with nothing but free time to write in this frikkin blog).

Don't get me wrong, life in the past 2 months wasn't all about uncontrollable flashbacks. The past 2 months were actually me slowly easing into the cold but relaxing waters of reading new novels every 3 days, reading comics online until the crack of dawn, camping out by the shore and making smores pies with my family, floating at sea, staring up into the sky thinking about life or nothing at all just because I can. And surprisingly, opening text books, reading on all the shit that I didn't know (which led me to my current predicament) out of my own free will and actually enjoying it.

So here's to a year of positivity, a year of learning new things we never knew, of being thankful for the things we took for granted last year, and here's to a year of once again, full-on, facing the unknown.