Fears

There are days when I am afraid to live. Afraid of the future. Afraid of good things coming to an end. Afraid of the dark, of death, of life. Afraid of the need to put myself out there. Afraid to get out of bed. 

In these moments I worry. That I'll be a prisoner of my fears. Worry and fear mixed with overthinking is a bad recipe altogether. 

I close my eyes and hope these fears and worries will go away. That daytime will remind me that it is beautiful and exciting to live. 

Dark Days

I'm in one of these moments where I'm feeling sorry for myself, thinking, "Why did this happen to me, I'm not stupid." I passed both exams and was even 2nd highest among the 4 of us. I may have not been able to focus on academics as often as I should have but ask the others- I doubt they would have had the answer to the questions you asked me. I doubt they were studying as much because everyone was dead tired. And every waking moment that was not spent working was spent eating or making feeble attempts to gather whatever was left of our sanity.

It's one of those moments where I'm feeling utterly lost. So much free time that my old self would kill to have, and yet these minutes filled with anxiety, confusion, anger. Anxious to be idle, confused about what road to choose, angry about everything else that led me to this. Do I continue this path I have been struggling to be in the past years? Or do I make a new path?

One of those moments when I'm feeling angry at the people who did this to me, not once, but TWICE. The people who didn't think twice that I had a family to go home to, or the fact that I stripped off all my pride just to do it again, only for them to take it away from me the second time. I read ALL of what they wrote. Seemingly harmless words probably meant to be constructive but instead ended up being destructive. Why couldn't you have just talked to me if you were so concerned? Especially the people who I thought were my friends. I was too naive to even trust anyone in that God-forsaken place.

Why me?

I really wish I could see the silver lining in this. I wish I could.

Orpheus and Eurydice

I need to walk away as Orpheus did, like my entire existence depended on it.
To walk away and to never look back, away from Eurydice, the very thing that my being clings to.
But Eurydice is not you. It is myself. I need to endure the long treacherous road from the Underworld, as the flames lap against my feet, and leave my self, even if it hurts, in the hope of finding this very self one day, but it is never a guarantee. There was never an option for me in this deal. I never had the upper hand and I was doomed before I even began. But the longer I wait, the greater I lose. Until there is nothing left of me.
This is why I need to walk away. To walk away from that piece of your self that was left there shattered, with no guarantee that you will get it back. Just a glimmer of hope is what the cruel world allows for us to continue, and that is all.

Is it possible to want to do good because there is hatred in your heart? To be nice as revenge? To be so nice so that no one can say anything bad about you and so that the people who have wronged you will simply look bad with their own wrong doing?
I suppose this is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. Does this mean living a lie?

Words

There is sometimes a fear of typing words onto the screen, of hitting the "post" or "publish" button, of creating intentional strokes with a pen and seeing those words permanently materialize, whether it is on paper or in a nook on cyberspace. Once the words materialize, they begin to hold weight and become real. One cannot deny that words are powerful. They can evoke deep feelings, and most of all they can induce change, and alter the course of life as we know it.

Words are non-living, intangible. But somehow sometimes so realistic, so gripping they become palpable. And contrary to the old "sticks and stones" adage, words can hurt people. That is why, words, once unleashed, are very hard to take back.

Words separate us from the animal kingdom that sadly, many humans believe they are above it all, when simply, each living being is given different traits for different roles in this world.

Sometimes, when life strips you of everything and you hit rockbottom, and you think you have absolutely nothing left, that is not true, because you have words. And that is a big responsibility. Both a blessing and a curse. A gift and a burden.

In this sense, I believe Jessica Zafra when she once said, "It's not words that fail, it's the people who wield them. We have no power over life and death, we are subject to pain and disease and misery, but we command words. When you think about it, words are all we really have."

Family Issues

These days, I find that I connect with my dad more and more. I guess ever since I've always felt we were alike. We're both quiet, we like reading books, we appreciate art, and we hate nagging. He doesn't have to tell me but I can tell that he does. Sometimes when there are issues that need to be resolved, according to my mom he avoids them. I guess in a way he is like me, non-confrontational, sometimes refusing to face things head on. My mom also says he's always so negative, but I disagree, because there's nothing wrong with looking at things from different angles and preparing yourself for the worst.

Lately, I can't help but notice that my younger brother is being more like my mom in some ways. Always high-strung, being that frustrated driver that always has a lot of comments and criticisms about everyone on the road...and lately, all this nagging- the "hurry up" when he also woke up late or the "hurry up" when she still has rollers on her hair.

I've mentioned this a few times to my mom lately, about how I feel like my brother is a mini version of her (after they both exclaimed at the same time at some driver in front of them), and how I feel like dad and I are similar because we're always so chill. I sort of regret ever mentioning that because sometimes I feel like mom's dislike of dad overflows onto me these days. There are many times when I feel like, man, we are really not on the same page right now, we are really not connecting. My nature is just placid and calm. I know I rant a lot too but I can't stand the nagging, being too uptight about everything, and most of all, all the negative comments about dad's family as the reason for all of dad's bad behavior. It just stresses me out. Sometimes I'm so tempted to ask her, "if you have so many negative things to say about dad, then why did you marry him?" But I believe I'm still a person with an above average EQ so I stop myself. On days when I get really stressed, the most below-the-belt thing I've said was "...And that is why I'm never going to get married."

As a caveat, I know mom has a point most of the time and I am lucky to have both of them. But this is just what I've been feeling these days.

P.S. Creative title, I know.

Catch Up Time

"Everybody is running their own races, at their own speed. They have their own demons, their own hells. Everybody has their own drawbacks, their own strengths. Comparing yourself to ANYBODY is stupid. It’s like comparing pizza and computer and cruises."

"This entire keeping up with people thing isn’t your cup of hot chocolate and it’s okay, let them move ahead. Go away from all this for a while, it’s okay; you’re still brave and strong. You just need a little catch-up time and that’s perfectly acceptable."

Reading this couldn't have happened at a better time. With everything that occurred in the past months all I have yet to do is to forgive myself and stop comparing myself with others. Only then can I start to pick myself up and heal. Only then can I become truly happy.