Sleep

These days, all I want to do is sleep. And when I'm awake, read. To escape. Fill my mind with all sorts of things, anything to escape this emptiness.

I know I have friends I can talk to. But I don't really want to talk about it. It's not like anything I say will change anything. It's not like words can fill up this emptiness that I feel. And anything that other people will say, just might be things that I already know, things that I choose to ignore because I'm afraid to face it. When I finally do open up, as I rarely do, I end up opening up to the wrong people, exposing myself and then being left hanging, making me feel emptier than before.

I suppose I don't have any right to feel this way. I've got people who care about me, a home, and food on my table, but I feel it anyway. And it isn't really helping that my life has no direction right now. It scares the fuck out of me that I have absolutely 0 foresight of where I'm gonna end up 10 months from now. It scares the shit out of me. So much so that I can't sleep at night. That I get angry when my parents call me out for not doing anything or for sleeping too much. I don't know if they know I'm just trying to escape. I tell them I'm on it, that I actually do have a plan to set my life straight, but in my mind, I tell myself, you better hope you know what you're talking about.

This is just emptiness and fear coming from all sides, I don't know what to make of it anymore. I'm not like those people out there who are always sunny and cheery and shit. Whatever negativity comes out of this post it's only because I'm just trying to be real.

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P.S. I started reading Sandman and Saga and can I just say, Lying cat is so cute. Now if only I had a cat I would bring everywhere that would call out everyone's shit whenever someone is lying, that would be something. Especially when I talk to you, but your lying skills are so bad, I don't really need a Lying cat to tell me you're lying.