Thursday, February 25, 2016
I am writing right now to redirect my anger. Because if I act on my emotions now I might just regret it. This person is being such an asshole. I'm not just saying this because she hurt my bestfriend. She is on her own, an asshole. What kind of person after 9 fucking years denies everything that they had and then makes false promises that everything will be okay, then eats out in a Japanese restaurant, AND brings the other guy to the same restaurant after 2 days. And she tells herself that it was over long ago so she can sleep at night? I could accept if she just fell out of love, shit like that happens, but goddammit, don't fucking deny what you had, don't turn the situation around by telling your friends na umasa lang siya magisa, na hindi ka nagpaasa til the end, just so you can fucking live with your self after what you just did. You disgust me. Seriously. And to think second time mo na to ginawa. Who the hell do you think you are, that you can "discard" people just like that? You are NO ONE.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Losing Object Permanence
You might wonder why I do it-- why I always try to shut you out. I do it because I'm tired and it brings me peace and quiet. It brings me peace to hear nothing of you. And on my best days, when life goes on as it should, I forget about you, almost as if you never existed, as if I never knew you.
When I used to be angry, my reason for shutting you out was because I didn't want you to have that chance to play any part in my life anymore. You do not get to be in my life anymore. You do not get to participate, you're simply not in it anymore. But I'm tired of being angry. It uses up too much energy. And being angry means still caring, which is the last thing on my agenda.
I'm getting there. I'm on my way towards not caring at all which is great. You know you've finally moved on when you see that person, and nothing happens. There is a blank space where your feelings used to be. Sure, you may acknowledge his/her presence, and then that's it. Someone who used to occupy your mind all the time, is nothing now but a fleeting moment. And you couldn't care less what happens to that moment.
Out of sight, out of mind. Losing object permanence like a child, not because you've become immature but because you've become mature enough to accept that some things in life, are meant to be temporary.
When I used to be angry, my reason for shutting you out was because I didn't want you to have that chance to play any part in my life anymore. You do not get to be in my life anymore. You do not get to participate, you're simply not in it anymore. But I'm tired of being angry. It uses up too much energy. And being angry means still caring, which is the last thing on my agenda.
I'm getting there. I'm on my way towards not caring at all which is great. You know you've finally moved on when you see that person, and nothing happens. There is a blank space where your feelings used to be. Sure, you may acknowledge his/her presence, and then that's it. Someone who used to occupy your mind all the time, is nothing now but a fleeting moment. And you couldn't care less what happens to that moment.
Out of sight, out of mind. Losing object permanence like a child, not because you've become immature but because you've become mature enough to accept that some things in life, are meant to be temporary.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Art Day
Today was a super great day. :)
I am convinced that whatever shitload I said yesterday was all mainly caused by hormones and neurotransmitters.
I've been waiting for months for the ArtFair and finally I got to go with people that matter to me the most. [Manilart is a yearly thing that Sarah and I go to every time, and last year we missed ArtFair.] It's bigger than Manilart, 2 floors (I was only disappointed because I thought it was 3) and we saw a lot of cool stuff. Of course we got to laugh at fucking hipsters and pretentious people holding wine glasses while staring intently at unrecognizable blobs a.k.a. "deep shit"/ art, so that made it all the more fun. There was so much color!! I'm glad I get to share things that I like with awesome people.
Today was also great because I had a chance to be myself, to remember that side of me that I would sometimes forget because I was too busy with work or too busy with people that don't care enough to see the other "sides" of me.
At the end of the day we had an enlightening/hilarious conversation about everything over good food. Thank you friends for letting me eat where I want!!
So I'd say, it was definitely a good day for me. :) Things are looking up.
I am convinced that whatever shitload I said yesterday was all mainly caused by hormones and neurotransmitters.
I've been waiting for months for the ArtFair and finally I got to go with people that matter to me the most. [Manilart is a yearly thing that Sarah and I go to every time, and last year we missed ArtFair.] It's bigger than Manilart, 2 floors (I was only disappointed because I thought it was 3) and we saw a lot of cool stuff. Of course we got to laugh at fucking hipsters and pretentious people holding wine glasses while staring intently at unrecognizable blobs a.k.a. "deep shit"/ art, so that made it all the more fun. There was so much color!! I'm glad I get to share things that I like with awesome people.
Today was also great because I had a chance to be myself, to remember that side of me that I would sometimes forget because I was too busy with work or too busy with people that don't care enough to see the other "sides" of me.
At the end of the day we had an enlightening/hilarious conversation about everything over good food. Thank you friends for letting me eat where I want!!
So I'd say, it was definitely a good day for me. :) Things are looking up.
Figure 1: Girl staring intently at digitally projected waves for what seemed like an eternity.
(Ate, punta ka nalang sa beach, promise mas maganda dyan)
Friday, February 19, 2016
Sleep
These days, all I want to do is sleep. And when I'm awake, read. To escape. Fill my mind with all sorts of things, anything to escape this emptiness.
I know I have friends I can talk to. But I don't really want to talk about it. It's not like anything I say will change anything. It's not like words can fill up this emptiness that I feel. And anything that other people will say, just might be things that I already know, things that I choose to ignore because I'm afraid to face it. When I finally do open up, as I rarely do, I end up opening up to the wrong people, exposing myself and then being left hanging, making me feel emptier than before.
I suppose I don't have any right to feel this way. I've got people who care about me, a home, and food on my table, but I feel it anyway. And it isn't really helping that my life has no direction right now. It scares the fuck out of me that I have absolutely 0 foresight of where I'm gonna end up 10 months from now. It scares the shit out of me. So much so that I can't sleep at night. That I get angry when my parents call me out for not doing anything or for sleeping too much. I don't know if they know I'm just trying to escape. I tell them I'm on it, that I actually do have a plan to set my life straight, but in my mind, I tell myself, you better hope you know what you're talking about.
This is just emptiness and fear coming from all sides, I don't know what to make of it anymore. I'm not like those people out there who are always sunny and cheery and shit. Whatever negativity comes out of this post it's only because I'm just trying to be real.
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P.S. I started reading Sandman and Saga and can I just say, Lying cat is so cute. Now if only I had a cat I would bring everywhere that would call out everyone's shit whenever someone is lying, that would be something. Especially when I talk to you, but your lying skills are so bad, I don't really need a Lying cat to tell me you're lying.
I know I have friends I can talk to. But I don't really want to talk about it. It's not like anything I say will change anything. It's not like words can fill up this emptiness that I feel. And anything that other people will say, just might be things that I already know, things that I choose to ignore because I'm afraid to face it. When I finally do open up, as I rarely do, I end up opening up to the wrong people, exposing myself and then being left hanging, making me feel emptier than before.
I suppose I don't have any right to feel this way. I've got people who care about me, a home, and food on my table, but I feel it anyway. And it isn't really helping that my life has no direction right now. It scares the fuck out of me that I have absolutely 0 foresight of where I'm gonna end up 10 months from now. It scares the shit out of me. So much so that I can't sleep at night. That I get angry when my parents call me out for not doing anything or for sleeping too much. I don't know if they know I'm just trying to escape. I tell them I'm on it, that I actually do have a plan to set my life straight, but in my mind, I tell myself, you better hope you know what you're talking about.
This is just emptiness and fear coming from all sides, I don't know what to make of it anymore. I'm not like those people out there who are always sunny and cheery and shit. Whatever negativity comes out of this post it's only because I'm just trying to be real.
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P.S. I started reading Sandman and Saga and can I just say, Lying cat is so cute. Now if only I had a cat I would bring everywhere that would call out everyone's shit whenever someone is lying, that would be something. Especially when I talk to you, but your lying skills are so bad, I don't really need a Lying cat to tell me you're lying.
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