Words

There is sometimes a fear of typing words onto the screen, of hitting the "post" or "publish" button, of creating intentional strokes with a pen and seeing those words permanently materialize, whether it is on paper or in a nook on cyberspace. Once the words materialize, they begin to hold weight and become real. One cannot deny that words are powerful. They can evoke deep feelings, and most of all they can induce change, and alter the course of life as we know it.

Words are non-living, intangible. But somehow sometimes so realistic, so gripping they become palpable. And contrary to the old "sticks and stones" adage, words can hurt people. That is why, words, once unleashed, are very hard to take back.

Words separate us from the animal kingdom that sadly, many humans believe they are above it all, when simply, each living being is given different traits for different roles in this world.

Sometimes, when life strips you of everything and you hit rockbottom, and you think you have absolutely nothing left, that is not true, because you have words. And that is a big responsibility. Both a blessing and a curse. A gift and a burden.

In this sense, I believe Jessica Zafra when she once said, "It's not words that fail, it's the people who wield them. We have no power over life and death, we are subject to pain and disease and misery, but we command words. When you think about it, words are all we really have."

Family Issues

These days, I find that I connect with my dad more and more. I guess ever since I've always felt we were alike. We're both quiet, we like reading books, we appreciate art, and we hate nagging. He doesn't have to tell me but I can tell that he does. Sometimes when there are issues that need to be resolved, according to my mom he avoids them. I guess in a way he is like me, non-confrontational, sometimes refusing to face things head on. My mom also says he's always so negative, but I disagree, because there's nothing wrong with looking at things from different angles and preparing yourself for the worst.

Lately, I can't help but notice that my younger brother is being more like my mom in some ways. Always high-strung, being that frustrated driver that always has a lot of comments and criticisms about everyone on the road...and lately, all this nagging- the "hurry up" when he also woke up late or the "hurry up" when she still has rollers on her hair.

I've mentioned this a few times to my mom lately, about how I feel like my brother is a mini version of her (after they both exclaimed at the same time at some driver in front of them), and how I feel like dad and I are similar because we're always so chill. I sort of regret ever mentioning that because sometimes I feel like mom's dislike of dad overflows onto me these days. There are many times when I feel like, man, we are really not on the same page right now, we are really not connecting. My nature is just placid and calm. I know I rant a lot too but I can't stand the nagging, being too uptight about everything, and most of all, all the negative comments about dad's family as the reason for all of dad's bad behavior. It just stresses me out. Sometimes I'm so tempted to ask her, "if you have so many negative things to say about dad, then why did you marry him?" But I believe I'm still a person with an above average EQ so I stop myself. On days when I get really stressed, the most below-the-belt thing I've said was "...And that is why I'm never going to get married."

As a caveat, I know mom has a point most of the time and I am lucky to have both of them. But this is just what I've been feeling these days.

P.S. Creative title, I know.

Catch Up Time

"Everybody is running their own races, at their own speed. They have their own demons, their own hells. Everybody has their own drawbacks, their own strengths. Comparing yourself to ANYBODY is stupid. It’s like comparing pizza and computer and cruises."

"This entire keeping up with people thing isn’t your cup of hot chocolate and it’s okay, let them move ahead. Go away from all this for a while, it’s okay; you’re still brave and strong. You just need a little catch-up time and that’s perfectly acceptable."

Reading this couldn't have happened at a better time. With everything that occurred in the past months all I have yet to do is to forgive myself and stop comparing myself with others. Only then can I start to pick myself up and heal. Only then can I become truly happy.

Psychological Dreams

Just when you thought you're feeling great, your subconscious comes in and screws you over.

Had one of those psychological dreams again. I call them "psychological dreams" because they're not the killer/ghost/phobia type but they're enough to wake you when the horror sets in.

And now I realized that these dreams are much worse. You can wake up from the worst of the regular dreams shaking and crying but after a while when you realize how absurd it was, how unreal, you quickly forget the events of the dream itself, and you can go back to sleep. But psychological dreams are the worst. When you wake up, the feelings linger, they never go away, and you don't forget. Feelings that were there in the first place but you've repressed as a self-preserving mechanism.

What could be worse than dreams waking you up so that you could really see reality? The Sandman is pulling out the big guns. And truthfully, I don't know whether I should want to kill him or thank him.

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I know my entries are full of fragments, and that I specialize in run-on sentences. Strunk and White might disapprove. But... poetic license. For my sanity.

Final Goodbye

24 hours a day seems too short a time to get everything done. With only 1 body, 1 brain, 2 hands, you can never be in more than 1 place at the same time. It's similar with relationships. Think of your friends as tabs in a web browser-- no matter how many friends you've got, you can only keep a couple of friends 'active' in your life at a certain time.

I'm glad I have my friends and my family who have been 'constants' throughout the various stages of my life. They're there because of mutual consent, because we have both made an active decision to be a part of each other's life. It's not a simple decision as a yes or a no, because the decision comes with effort, to be present no matter what the circumstances are.

That being said, I look back on the relationships I have had with other people, now deemed as "inactive"...or simply tabs that have been sent to the Recycle Bin. The sentimental, emotional me cannot help but feel sad, to think that what was once real seems like it never occurred in the first place, and that people so close to each other are now strangers, almost as if all history between them has been erased. And once this history has been erased, where do we go from there? How do we begin again? The answer most of the time is, we don't. We move on with our lives and let whatever is in the recycle bin, stay there.

In a few hours, we will be so close to each other, for one last time. After this, we will be nothing but strangers again. Our lives will continue on separately. It has stretched on long enough. Longer than it should have been. I have to do this because if I don't, I will destroy myself and self-combust. This will be my final goodbye. Soon our history will be erased, with nothing left but a fragment of a memory, that we will eventually doubt its authenticity. When that history has been erased, we won't know where to begin, so much so that even if every single day we have an opportunity to speak to each other in this world of technology, we won't-- because we won't know where to begin, because we have forgotten.

Silence

Silence is mystery.

Silence is oftentimes generosity, but sometimes selfishness.
Silence is cowardice but also bravery.
Silence is both forgiving and cruel.
Silence is either unnoticeable or deafening.
Silence is the aftermath of words that were said
        or the anticipation of words yet to be formed.

Silence is a universe, stretching out from all sides, into infinity, all encompassing
        sometimes a blackhole, imploding.

Above all,
       silence is peace.

Happy birthday to my best friend

I will never know why God never gave me a sister, but whatever it is we find lacking in our lives, if we look more intently, we find that God gives us something else. We find that a lost opportunity, opens up new ones. In this case never having a sister was never really a loss for me, because many many years ago, I met Yumi, and we have been the best of friends-- more like sisters ever since. 

There's not a single word to describe my friendship with you. Even as children, we've always loved the fact that we can always talk about anything and everything-- quoting our teenage selves, "From movies to politics"--and now, amazingly, about medicine too. No matter how busy we got, no matter how much distance and new experiences are placed between us, whenever we do see each other, it's like we always just continue from where we left off. And now it feels like we've continued just that and our friendship has grown even much more than I could have possibly imagined- celebrating milestones together (from everyday victories to the fairly recent ones, even surgical or obstetric), mourning over each others' losses, gathering strength from each other, finding humor in darkest of times, making new memories (the latest being perfume testing until our olfactory nerves become desensitized and discovering the best scent EVER) and embarking on new adventures, and the list goes on. 

So here's to our friendship-our sisterhood of 22 years and counting, and here's to you on your special day, may you never stop to inspire the people around you with your passion for life, and your fierceness in loving. Happy birthday Yumi!!!!